I have not been able to move forward mentally since the ERA had to be cancelled in March 2019. It is hard to believe that was over a year ago now, and the last embryo transfer was 2 years ago this week. I have been a prisoner to my thoughts and desires that somehow, some way, god would bless us with a miracle like so many seem to be blessed with, but all it has done is make me feel more isolated and depressed. I keep trying to push on, but we are in a really dark/sad place despite what our outer shells and fake smiles may look like. It's ironic to have a pandemic going on right now, because all of the anxiety and restlessness followed by the constant "we're in this together" statements at least makes me feel like other people can finally relate to how helpless and alone I've felt for so long. In a sense the way everyone is feeling fear of their future is EXACTLY what I've been through feels like. I pray that the world will recover much faster than I have.
In December 2019, I decided to go back to the doctors to get an ultrasound and blood work to check on my lining. My husbands brother and our sister in law were due with their first baby, and I had lost about 20 pounds continuing to work on lifestyle changes so I was feeling hopeful. I spent months trying to focus on eating full fat protein and reducing carbs, adding supplements, exercising... However, the results were the same as previous letdowns. My lining was only a 5.8 mm when it should have been at lease 7-8 mm thick. Everything else was there and ready, perfect eggs waiting to become our babies with nowhere to go. The frustration of having made a successful career out of pushing and making things happen for challenging nuclear and aerospace problems, but yet the most important thing I could do in my whole life just crashed down before me in that moment. It felt like a more permanent destructive crash, and I know that I can't keep doing this to myself anymore or I won't make it out alive, I won't be able to enjoy the life I've worked so hard to create. But what is the point really, if I can't create a family and the life for us that we dreamed of when we got married? The one thing you need to sustain a pregnancy (once you have a fertilized embryo) is a thick healthy lining, which I have never had. I would give my goddamn soul away to have it. So as suspected, the nurse said that we needed to schedule time to talk with the doctor upon getting my results.
We had a call with our IVF doctor on December 13th. I could tell by his tone that the advice was not going to be what I wanted to hear. He informed me that my IVF journey had come to an end, he did not know how to change protocols to change the end result. I asked about trying for my last PGS tested embryo that we've been waiting to transfer for 2 long years now. He said "putting another embryo into your uterus would be like throwing it away. I'm very sorry to tell you that. I wish things were different, but the only way this is going to happen is through a surrogate." I am crying just writing this, because it was one of the hardest things to hear even though I knew that it was probably the end. All of that time I spent injecting, taking pills, trying to better myself, even going through one of the most painful surgeries of my life, followed by scar tissue surgeries to fix that damage...hoping, praying, trying to push on and have faith....it feels like it was all for nothing now. My body has betrayed me on the most basic and fundamental level. It has robbed me of my dream forever, and now everything else just doesn't seem worth it.
So as my husband's family celebrated the most joyous Christmas welcoming a new baby boy, we were barely holding ourselves together. We cannot afford a surrogate, and that is the only option left. Every agency I have called requires between 160-180k (outside the actual medical procedure itself). I want nothing more than to have my own flesh and blood child. As I tried to explain to my husband, our nieces and nephews are still his blood. In fact, our nephew literally looks like him as a baby/toddler. Me on the other hand, I have no siblings, and no children that will ever look like me. Nobody I can pass my stupid bunions or blonde hair blue eyes to. But I just wish I knew how to decide how to move forward in a way that I know is best. I am not sure how to get through...I would never wish this horrible curse on anyone.
I know everyone has the first instinct to suggest why don't you "just adopt." But I have been on a waiting list for years, and it isn't that simple to just keep moving from one step to the next without trauma and baggage from the last disappointment. As mentioned, I am an only child, but my family tried to adopt a little girl when I was about 10. It was very tough for the whole family, we got attached then found out that the agency lied to us and it didn't work out in the end. I am afraid that if and when I finally do find a child that I can say is the one, he/she will be one that suffers from neglect, or that was so unwanted that the mother abused it while in the womb but nobody knew about it until the child got older, or that the parent that gave the kid up will eventually want it back after I have learned to love it as my own...I just feel like we are so hurt that I don't know how to get us back to us. It is impossible to explain how hard it is to forget everything and just move on to a child that is not your own when you have one waiting. Everyone that suggests to adopt, I can't think of more than one person that said that and actually had done it!
I just ask for your prayers and love please. Maybe there is still some hope out there somewhere, but it feels so far away. If you know anyone that has gone through private adoption or surrogacy, or if there is anyone that is out there that has had a baby and meets the surrogate criteria (its pretty strict, rightfully so),and somehow has it in their heart to want to help others in need, please reach out to me. I am thankful for those that have offered already, but could not. It has to be one of the most selfless things a woman can do. God bless you all.
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